By following these guidelines you can grow your individual relationship with your child, help them with transitioning between households for parenting time, decrease anxiety, stress and sadness, and help them not feel “stuck in the middle”.
Resources:
If you are looking for someone to assess custody or parenting time or help making decisions between you and your co-parent about your child, that is outside the scope of individual mental health therapy and is an ethical conflict of interest for an individual therapist to assess and provide support for both individual therapy and custody evaluation. I would recommend seeking out a specific Custody Evaluator that can assess you, your ex-partner, and your child/children and make recommendations about parenting time and custody. If you are looking for support on decision making for your child between you and your ex-partner I would recommend the support of a Mediator or a Parenting Consultant.
- Never disparage or criticize your former partner in front of your children. Because children know they are “part mom” and “part dad”, the criticism can negatively impact child’s self-esteem and make them feel confused and put in the middle.
- Children do best when rules, schedules, and routines are consistent across households. Although it is not possible to be identical, the closer the structure in both home the easier the transition is for the child.
- Do not use your children as messengers between you and your former partner. The less the children feel a part of the battle between their parents, the better. If there is a message you need to communicate to your former partner communicate it directly.
- Do not give your child any “adult information” about your former partner such as employment difficulties, financial difficulties, relationship history, difficulties with substance abuse or gambling, legal difficulties, etc. even if they directly ask you. If you are asked respond by telling them to bring it up with your former partner.
- Do not ask your children information about your former partner’s home, activities, or parenting time. These questions can raise anxiety in children and make them feel “in the middle”.
- Do not saying anything positive, negative, or neutral about the other parent. The only time they should be mentioned by you is at the beginning of the visit when you give a message to your child stating “I hope you had fun at your mom’s/dad’s home”. This will encourage children to know that they can have fun at their other parent’s home without feeling guilty.
- If you child voluntarily brings up an activity they engaged in with your former partner, stay neutral or positive. Let your child know that you love them and it is okay that they love and spend time with each parent.
- If a child states something negative about the other parent first emphasize the feelings without blaming. Do not say “I am sorry your father/mother did ____”, instead focus on the feeling stating “that must be confusing” or “I can see you feel sad about that”. Next coach them on what they want to do. If a child has a problem with a parent (unless it is something that should be reported to child protection) it should be solved and discussed with that parent, not the opposite parent.
Resources:
If you are looking for someone to assess custody or parenting time or help making decisions between you and your co-parent about your child, that is outside the scope of individual mental health therapy and is an ethical conflict of interest for an individual therapist to assess and provide support for both individual therapy and custody evaluation. I would recommend seeking out a specific Custody Evaluator that can assess you, your ex-partner, and your child/children and make recommendations about parenting time and custody. If you are looking for support on decision making for your child between you and your ex-partner I would recommend the support of a Mediator or a Parenting Consultant.